by Linda Smith
January 7, 2012
My name is Linda and I am 56 years young. I am a Late Blooming Lesbian and only discovered myself about 5 yrs ago. I fell deeply and sincerely in love with a wonderful lady.
I have lived a very painful and difficult life… brutal alcoholic father… poverty… parental lack of education… too many kids, etc. etc. etc. Enough about that.
When I try to reflect back to see why I had my lesbianism hidden, I lack answers. All I can think of is my Catholic upbringing, brutal father, lack of knowledge about sex education… whatever the reason I am here now.
As a young girl I now realize that I was different in many ways. I never really dated much, never cared if guys asked me out or not. I was stuck at home with limited access to the world helping raise my brothers and sisters. I was pulled out of school in grade six. I was fourteen, thought I was dumb, but really I never went out much, so I never really learned a lot or moved forward.
I did have male contact, in fact I slept with three men before I married, and I only realize now that something was very wrong here. Most women feel, and have a right to feel. I was so dead with men that they had a name for me – frigid, freak, etc. I just didn’t get it. So I just went about life, sort of in the clouds, until I met my present husband…. and now my story begins.
I was always fat as a child and managed to lose all my weight from the ages of sixteen to twenty-one. I married at age 21 and had my first child at age 22. Now the mystery starts.
I was so disappointed with married life… husband. My daughter was the the highlight of my life. I had to stay for her. What made it a bit easier to stay was my husband didn’t drink, smoke, or chase women, but he was so dysfunctional in social skills and common sense, and so introverted. I lived a nightmare. Nobody told me… neither himself or his family that he had mental problems. Now I was stuck… do you or don’t you, stay or go with a sick spouse. Marriage vows say better or worse.
Well I find myself pregnant with child number two, so I dig my heels in and go for the ride. I open a foster home and offer myself and home to abused children. This allowed me to move forward and not think. I had two kids, no education, no job, no money, and I was sooooooooooo unhappy. The kids acted like a bandage fix and allowed me to live without thinking about my situation. I felt so blessed when we made a major decision to adopt a beautiful Down Syndrome boy we had fostered from the time he was fourteen months old. We adopted him when he was six years old.
Now begins my descent to hell. I became, what is now termed, a Compulsive Over Eater, severely addicted to food and its volume. I used food as a crutch or tool to bury my pain instead of drugs or alcohol. My life was uneventful and boring for many years. You raise the kids and hope for the best. I kept myself busy but my weight ballooned to such a grotesque size. I hit 305 pounds at 5′ high and knew that now is the time to do something or I am just going to die. I could not come to terms with who I really was. I knew this wasn’t it. Something was very wrong with me.
My Awakeneing Now Begins…..
I found myself in a position to be in the company of a wonderful and talented lady every day for about an hour, for about nine months. Something was not right here. I had this demon inside that somehow woke up from a dormant sleep and just hit me like a ton of bricks… the feelings… the pain… the confusion…. I was in agony…. what the hell was wrong with me? I was so happy inside, but horrified on the outside. I fell in love with a woman………. OMG…. me?… no way… goody two shoes…. bible-thumping Linda…. hell no way… Lord Have Mercy On My Soul……
My Journey Of Discovery…..
Well here I sit. I am now 51 yrs old, on compensation. I had an accident at work and dislocated my shoulder, was off work for about nine months. By this time my weight was ballooning and I was totally out of control in my mind and thoughts. I totally isolated, gave up all my volunteer positions, fed the kids, was kind of there for them, but survived in this foggy bubble.
I went on a mission to discover my new identity. Wow! I am a LESBIAN…. but how do I know that for sure? I had to finally admit I like girls a lot more than guys…. so I better decide what I am going to be doing about this one.
My marriage was the biggest joke. Up to this point my husband and I had not had sex for over twenty years. I didn’t stop it, he did. I just never asked why, never looked back, and was jumping for joy. I hated it so bad. It made me sick, but you had to do the duty my mother told me. I never did find the answer why. He doesn’t cheat cause he never goes out. He just works, eats, sleeps and volunteers for Special Olympics. We both have our Level-1NCCP coaching license with Special Olympics. My kids were getting older and I went to work for a company that houses Special Needs people. I worked there for a total of seven years.
I decided to upgrade my education, went to night school, and earned my Personal Support Worker Diploma. I was so proud! I graduated with a straight “A” average. Gee I am not stupid after all – just never had a formal education, never went to high school. Now I am on a roll. This is when I have my accident. This is when I meet this special lady.
I Have To Have An Answer……
My search begins… on the computer… in the community… track down info about gay life. I join a live community group for support… register on line with different lesbian sites for friendship, guidance, support and info. In the meantime I lose my job due to cutbacks. My weight is horrible. My health is starting to give out, so here I go on my search.
I decide to do the so-called wrong thing … do I or don’t I … is it or isn’t it … cheating if I decide to find a women. At this time my weight has escalated to the point of near death. I could not stop eating. I am in total agony with my life. I am now 53 yrs old and in so much pain and misery, and wanted to end it all. Then It happened. I had my first affair – very short and I did get hurt, but, I did the wrong thing. I was still married to my husband, but I had my answers. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind now. I am Lesbian all the way. I am not even bi-sexual, just Lesbian.
Now What Do I Do….
Well with three adult children now and a husband who refuses to seek help for his mental state, everything is falling apart. He loses his job of 30 yrs, and he was in shock for the next 3 yrs… how can I even consider leaving this person who stopped eating, stopped bathing, stared into space, and no one could help since the law here says you cannot make anyone seek treatment if they don’t want it.
I did the best I could over the next three years, didn’t cheat anymore as this, to me, just my opinion, didn’t fit as the right thing to do. My husband finally snapped out of his depression and got another good paying job…so now I think…do i really need to stay? Why can’t I live my life the way it is meant to be, as a lesbian.
Can I take the plunge and leave….
My oldest child was married, my next child was married, leaving me at age 55 with a Down Syndrome son. Can I really make it out there on my own with this child? This is agony! I can’t stay here for sure, had enough of this man not helping himself and using me as his mother…so I did it…built up my nerve and told him I was leaving. Surprise, surprise he never actually made a fuss, just asked why. I said it’s what I WANT. I told my two adult kids. My daughter was terrific, my son was a bit miffed, but I feel it is his problem, not mine..
So, at age 55 I left and never looked back, and believe it or not, the ex and I are really good friends, and I am very grateful for this as we have three kids and two grandchildren together.
So now I am 60 yrs of age and for five years I have just been living my life, meeting people, not in a rush to find anyone permanent. I’m sure when God feels it is time, it will happen.
At last I am losing this weight and starting a journey of recovery for my health and all the damage I did from eating. I am recovering and starting to open up with people, not isolating as much. I feel God led me to where I am supposed to be, as I could not have done it on my own. I prayed for many years for answers as to what and how to live my life. I am happy now with all my choices and look forward to a long life living in peace and harmony with myself and my choices.
If you are looking for answers like I was, just pray and ask God to lead you to where He wants you to be, and it will happen. You can’t pray and say should I do this or not – doesn’t work that way, as I found out. It is not what you want but what God wants for you. With all this said, I say Linda listened to God and not herself, and with that said my life is fantastic. I have little. I want less. Material things do not matter to me. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a bed to sleep on, and my health is recovering nicely. I have learned to live on what I have, share what I own, and never look back. I have what is important now – God in my life, my three kids, my two grandsons, and my health. I no longer live for other people. It is ok to say no, and I am not responsible for those who try to control me, as I was controlled so severely all my life. I pride myself in making my own choices. Right or wrong they are my choices to make, and I will live with whatever consequence that comes my way.
My counsellor suggested I try and write to rid my pain and open myself out…this is my first attempt and this is not easy for me.
So now I sit at age 60 with everything to live for, and my journey is mine to make. I ask God to help cleanse my heart, mind, thoughts, words and deeds, and actions from any negative, hatred, spite, revenge or evilness in my life. To forgive and forget all the painful memories my father bestowed on me, and the hurt and pain my husband put me through with emotional abuse. I choose to have the patience, wisdom, courage, strength and willpower to do what needs to be done in life, as I am alone with my disabled son, and that is ok. He was a gift given to me from God. As I birthed my two oldest children I was allowed to choose to adopt my son.
I have asked God to forgive all my errors, my mistakes, my adultery and most of all to forgive me for having survivors’ guilt when I left home at age 16, leaving my abused mother and siblings behind. I did try to help them all but didn’t do enough, and for that I have to let go, as I was so dysfunctional myself trying to help others, and what is important now is I am back in their lives and more able to help them now, and for that I am truly blessed.
I pray for all who are in misery trying to decide what to do, for those who are so unhappy in relationships, and for all those who decide to make the plunge, that God be with you all and keep you from harm, hurt and pain.