Into The Fall

The autumn of 2003 had to take some getting used to; as I’d been so accustomed to going to work & dropping the kids off at school til 4 or 5. Josie, now in kindergarten, would come home with me at 10:50; sometimes to take a nap before lunch, as I was not good about getting her up & ready; I was so used to the lax Kindercare schedule. My days thru 4 pm became about her, looking for a new job, Lynn and now Alex.

We got used to a routine where she’d be on about 10 or 11PM US time–12 hours later in the Philippines. I grew to depend on our talks, which happened about 4 nights a week, after everyone else was in bed. Tim, curious about my new online friend, would occasionally get on and ‘speak’ with her. I also spent time with Yolanda, even attending her birthday party/cookout at her house with her hubby, Marlo. I have to admit, though I was sincerely interested in Yolanda’s company, part of me wished I’d cross paths with Lynn, as she was also Yolanda’s friend. I wanted to keep up with things in the office, too, and have chances to make a good impression on people, like at get-togethers coworkers came to. That did not happen thru the last months of 2003, but the hope had kept me going. And I found Yolanda, despite her rough, working-class edge, was an honest & loyal friend.

We also spoke at times about my sexuality, and what else had happened behind the scenes at Ward-Kaps. Yolanda ‘got’ Lynn’s side too: that Lynn was uncomfortable with me; and said I had to tread carefully with straight people if I had a crush on them. That though it might seem unfair, some didn;t want to hear it because they’d think I was ‘after’ them, convert them. Yeah, I did bristle at that, but I thought about it and it made sense–a straight telling another straight could bring the same thing. My counselor had said basically the same thing. But she also said she could tell how much I cared about Lynn, and figured I was just immature in showing it; nothing more.(which I admit I was for 36) And that Lynn knew, too–but here was the kicker, she had started denying we ever had a bond; even to Yolanda. She still wanted nothing to do with me, which sunk my heart, despite her lying to others. She might could forget, or repress, but I couldn’t. Not ever.

I went into overdrive trying to be a good parent too, thinking that would compensate for my sexuality. Looking back, sometimes it seemed others accepted me more than I did; I felt I had to ‘prove’ myself, even to myself. Alex, though we’d just known each other weeks, started admonishing me for dwelling on Lynn. She was a born-again Christian, who’d once thought gay & bi- was a sin, but now didn;t. She saw real love as OK. (though she did admit she’d rather I be gay than bi–the few bisexuals she’d met hadn’t valued commitment to one person, and she was trying to get past the negative image) Alex told me bluntly she felt Lynn had used me, esp with money, and part of it could be her discomfort being close to someone like me. As in, what would that mean about her? She thought I should give her benefit of doubt, but not to the point of defending everything she did regarding me. That my feelings counted too. Alex would remind me that she wasn;t a counselor; and though she was flattered that I thought much of her already, I needed to say these things to my counselor. Which I did. Though I still couldn;t share much with my folks–as embarrassed as I’d been 14 years before (in college).

In Alex I was finding that someone whom I could share with, who could relate. She & Abby stayed friends, though Abby was struggling to control her feelings; as she loved Alex romantically. I wished Lynn were like that, that she was concerned about my feelings & friendship too. Through October & into November, I got into a steady routine with Josie & Jamie, occasionally speaking with Yolanda, and checking job leads. Fortunately, that soon became one less worry; as I got unemployment pay and an ‘allowance’ from Tim. I admit the latter dented my pride severely, but hey, money was money; and it would all last me til I found something regular. And I heard something pleasant–that some ex-cohorts started asking Yolanda about me, and for ‘more of the story.’ She clarified for them that I was bisexual, not gay, that I had never cheated on Tim, nor had I put moves on Lynn. And she told that we’d shared time beyond work. Lizanne, the office manager (receptionist Jesse’s mom), was esp curious; maybe because she’d had the office beside me. She had supported my being let go, based on what she’d heard–but now thought, from the new info, a mistake was made. That she shouldn;t have been so quick to judge. Yeah, I got that, though I didn’t like it–I myself was still not immune to GLBT stereotypes. But hey, it was a start.

And Alex my new friend was like tonic on a still-open sore. She seemed too good to be true,
at times. But she seemed to care, and that was all that’s important.

Teri