Wet alcoholic, dry alcoholic
Posted on 01/01 23:52
For this entry, I take a break from my story, which now flows into 2004, and give part of my perspective on gay & bi-ness. As my title suggests, I compare it to alcoholism--only in reverse.
With alcoholics, it's said that when they are drinking, they are wet (practicing) alcoholics; which is bad. In drinking excessively, they have impaired judgements and their relationships & jobs suffer. DUIs & verbal abuse, liver damage, and of course bad examples to kids, all come too. On the other hand, being a dry (nondrinking) alcoholic means your relationships are better, your judgement isn;t muddled by booze, and you become healthier.
Alcoholics take this route, being dry, because that is what best helps them function & be healthy; emotionally and physically. Ex-gay groups say that if we go 'cold turkey' (dry) on our feelings, we can be healthier--maybe even go straight. But in reality, that's not true for many--the opposite is. We need to be 'wet' (practicing) to be healthy; and staying dry can actually hurt. Let me clarify.
We can function better, and be healthy, when we accept our sexuality and practice it responsibly. It is very satisfying, and benefical, to be in love, have the love returned, and physically express that love. Gays, bis and straights are all capable of having that. When we have supportive friends and/or family, we also feel better about ourselves. Being able to share with people like ourselves also opens up new, satisfying bonds & hobbies. Conversely, staying 'dry'--repressing--can cause feelings of worthlessness, and guilt for not feeling as we 'should.' Especially with those who are very devout, and feel their feelings go against God's plan for intimacy. Denying outlets for our feelings can also cause frustration, and try something in desperation. Stats have shown gay/bi teens have one of the higher suicide rates. They have also shown gay bonds that last decades--esp the noted one of 51 years between 2 women whose bond lasted til one passed away (I think 2007).
Celibacy is a possibility for some; clergy & nuns choose it willingly. But many can't abstain permanently; and need the gift of having someone to love, and love them. To be intimate with, and connect with. Straights and nonstraights both need that love connection. So being a 'wet' gay/bi person (unlike being a wet alcoholic) can give more emotional health and confidence than staying 'dry'. Here, denial & 'dryness' can bring harmful frustration and self-loathing. In short: alcoholics don't need the substance they avoid--they do better without it; and 2) gay/bi folk do need the substance they're told to avoid: intimacy & love. Whether we accept our sexuality easily, or struggle for years (as many do), we are NOT better without love. That, regardless of views on sexuality, is an indisputable fact.
Toss the beer can, and call a friend.
Bi for now.
With alcoholics, it's said that when they are drinking, they are wet (practicing) alcoholics; which is bad. In drinking excessively, they have impaired judgements and their relationships & jobs suffer. DUIs & verbal abuse, liver damage, and of course bad examples to kids, all come too. On the other hand, being a dry (nondrinking) alcoholic means your relationships are better, your judgement isn;t muddled by booze, and you become healthier.
Alcoholics take this route, being dry, because that is what best helps them function & be healthy; emotionally and physically. Ex-gay groups say that if we go 'cold turkey' (dry) on our feelings, we can be healthier--maybe even go straight. But in reality, that's not true for many--the opposite is. We need to be 'wet' (practicing) to be healthy; and staying dry can actually hurt. Let me clarify.
We can function better, and be healthy, when we accept our sexuality and practice it responsibly. It is very satisfying, and benefical, to be in love, have the love returned, and physically express that love. Gays, bis and straights are all capable of having that. When we have supportive friends and/or family, we also feel better about ourselves. Being able to share with people like ourselves also opens up new, satisfying bonds & hobbies. Conversely, staying 'dry'--repressing--can cause feelings of worthlessness, and guilt for not feeling as we 'should.' Especially with those who are very devout, and feel their feelings go against God's plan for intimacy. Denying outlets for our feelings can also cause frustration, and try something in desperation. Stats have shown gay/bi teens have one of the higher suicide rates. They have also shown gay bonds that last decades--esp the noted one of 51 years between 2 women whose bond lasted til one passed away (I think 2007).
Celibacy is a possibility for some; clergy & nuns choose it willingly. But many can't abstain permanently; and need the gift of having someone to love, and love them. To be intimate with, and connect with. Straights and nonstraights both need that love connection. So being a 'wet' gay/bi person (unlike being a wet alcoholic) can give more emotional health and confidence than staying 'dry'. Here, denial & 'dryness' can bring harmful frustration and self-loathing. In short: alcoholics don't need the substance they avoid--they do better without it; and 2) gay/bi folk do need the substance they're told to avoid: intimacy & love. Whether we accept our sexuality easily, or struggle for years (as many do), we are NOT better without love. That, regardless of views on sexuality, is an indisputable fact.
Toss the beer can, and call a friend.
Bi for now.
Into the Fall
Posted on 01/01 22:31
The autumn of 2003 had to take some getting used to; as I'd been so accustomed to going to work & dropping the kids off at school til 4 or 5. Josie, now in kindergarten, would come home with me at 10:50; sometimes to take a nap before lunch, as I was not good about getting her up & ready; I was so used to the lax Kindercare schedule. My days thru 4 pm became about her, looking for a new job, Lynn and now Alex. We got used to a routine where she'd be on about 10 or 11PM US time--12 hours later in the Philippines. I grew to depend on our talks, which happened about 4 nights a week, after everyone else was in bed. Tim, curious about my new online friend, would occasionally get on and 'speak' with her. I also spent time with Yolanda, even attending her birthday party/cookout at her house with her hubby, Marlo. I have to admit, though I was sincerely interested in Yolanda's company, part of me wished I'd cross paths with Lynn, as she was also Yolanda's friend. I wanted to keep up with things in the office, too, and have chances to make a good impression on people, like at get-togethers coworkers came to. That did not happen thru the last months of 2003, but the hope had kept me going. And I found Yolanda, despite her rough, working-class edge, was an honest & loyal friend.
We also spoke at times about my sexuality, and what else had happened behind the scenes at Ward-Kaps. Yolanda 'got' Lynn's side too: that Lynn was uncomfortable with me; and said I had to tread carefully with straight people if I had a crush on them. That though it might seem unfair, some didn;t want to hear it because they'd think I was 'after' them, convert them. Yeah, I did bristle at that, but I thought about it and it made sense--a straight telling another straight could bring the same thing. My counselor had said basically the same thing. But she also said she could tell how much I cared about Lynn, and figured I was just immature in showing it; nothing more.(which I admit I was for 36) And that Lynn knew, too--but here was the kicker, she had started denying we ever had a bond; even to Yolanda. She still wanted nothing to do with me, which sunk my heart, despite her lying to others. She might could forget, or repress, but I couldn;t. Not ever.
I went into overdrive trying to be a good parent too, thinking that would compensate for my sexuality. Looking back, sometimes it seemed others accepted me more than I did; I felt I had to 'prove' myself, even to myself. Alex, though we'd just known each other weeks, started admonishing me for dwelling on Lynn. She was a born-again Christian, who'd once thought gay & bi- was a sin, but now didn;t. She saw real love as OK. (though she did admit she'd rather I be gay than bi--the few bisexuals she'd met hadn't valued commitment to one person, and she was trying to get past the negative image) Alex told me bluntly she felt Lynn had used me, esp with money, and part of it could be her discomfort being close to someone like me. As in, what would that mean about her? She thought I should give her benefit of doubt, but not to the point of defending everything she did regarding me. That my feelings counted too. Alex would remind me that she wasn;t a counselor; and though she was flattered that I thought much of her already, I needed to say these things to my counselor. Which I did. Though I still couldn;t share much with my folks--as embarrassed as I'd been 14 years before (in college).
In Alex I was finding that someone whom I could share with, who could relate. She & Abby stayed friends, though Abby was struggling to control her feelings; as she loved Alex romantically. I wished Lynn were like that, that she was concerned about my feelings & friendship too. Through October & into November, I got into a steady routine with Josie & Jamie, occasionally speaking with Yolanda, and checking job leads. Fortunately, that soon became one less worry; as I got unemployment pay and an 'allowance' from Tim. I admit the latter dented my pride severely, but hey, money was money; and it would all last me til I found something regular. And I heard something pleasant--that some ex-cohorts started asking Yolanda about me, and for 'more of the story.' She clarified for them that I was bisexual, not gay, that I had never cheated on Tim, nor had I put moves on Lynn. And she told that we'd shared time beyond work. Lizanne, the office manager (receptionist Jesse's mom), was esp curious; maybe because she'd had the office beside me. She had supported my being let go, based on what she'd heard--but now thought, from the new info, a mistake was made. That she shouldn;t have been so quick to judge. Yeah, I got that, though I didn't like it--I myself was still not immune to GLBT stereotypes. But hey, it was a start.
And Alex my new friend was like tonic on a still-open sore. She seemed too good to be true,
at times. But she seemed to care, and that was all that's important.
Teri
We also spoke at times about my sexuality, and what else had happened behind the scenes at Ward-Kaps. Yolanda 'got' Lynn's side too: that Lynn was uncomfortable with me; and said I had to tread carefully with straight people if I had a crush on them. That though it might seem unfair, some didn;t want to hear it because they'd think I was 'after' them, convert them. Yeah, I did bristle at that, but I thought about it and it made sense--a straight telling another straight could bring the same thing. My counselor had said basically the same thing. But she also said she could tell how much I cared about Lynn, and figured I was just immature in showing it; nothing more.(which I admit I was for 36) And that Lynn knew, too--but here was the kicker, she had started denying we ever had a bond; even to Yolanda. She still wanted nothing to do with me, which sunk my heart, despite her lying to others. She might could forget, or repress, but I couldn;t. Not ever.
I went into overdrive trying to be a good parent too, thinking that would compensate for my sexuality. Looking back, sometimes it seemed others accepted me more than I did; I felt I had to 'prove' myself, even to myself. Alex, though we'd just known each other weeks, started admonishing me for dwelling on Lynn. She was a born-again Christian, who'd once thought gay & bi- was a sin, but now didn;t. She saw real love as OK. (though she did admit she'd rather I be gay than bi--the few bisexuals she'd met hadn't valued commitment to one person, and she was trying to get past the negative image) Alex told me bluntly she felt Lynn had used me, esp with money, and part of it could be her discomfort being close to someone like me. As in, what would that mean about her? She thought I should give her benefit of doubt, but not to the point of defending everything she did regarding me. That my feelings counted too. Alex would remind me that she wasn;t a counselor; and though she was flattered that I thought much of her already, I needed to say these things to my counselor. Which I did. Though I still couldn;t share much with my folks--as embarrassed as I'd been 14 years before (in college).
In Alex I was finding that someone whom I could share with, who could relate. She & Abby stayed friends, though Abby was struggling to control her feelings; as she loved Alex romantically. I wished Lynn were like that, that she was concerned about my feelings & friendship too. Through October & into November, I got into a steady routine with Josie & Jamie, occasionally speaking with Yolanda, and checking job leads. Fortunately, that soon became one less worry; as I got unemployment pay and an 'allowance' from Tim. I admit the latter dented my pride severely, but hey, money was money; and it would all last me til I found something regular. And I heard something pleasant--that some ex-cohorts started asking Yolanda about me, and for 'more of the story.' She clarified for them that I was bisexual, not gay, that I had never cheated on Tim, nor had I put moves on Lynn. And she told that we'd shared time beyond work. Lizanne, the office manager (receptionist Jesse's mom), was esp curious; maybe because she'd had the office beside me. She had supported my being let go, based on what she'd heard--but now thought, from the new info, a mistake was made. That she shouldn;t have been so quick to judge. Yeah, I got that, though I didn't like it--I myself was still not immune to GLBT stereotypes. But hey, it was a start.
And Alex my new friend was like tonic on a still-open sore. She seemed too good to be true,
at times. But she seemed to care, and that was all that's important.
Teri
Pink/n/sweet--Alex
Posted on 30/12 22:47
This was a sharp turn into hope for me. My letter on Lifetime had generated a few responses; in fact, I had grown to depend on messages from this board for months. But this new one, dated August 29 (not read by me til 9/1) was one that stood out. The young woman's name was Alexis, aka Alex or Erika (her middle name), and her story was like mine, only in reverse. She was the subject of a crush by her bestfriend--and was trying to figure how to let her pal down easy while not losing their friendship. They had been BFs forever. She gave me advice from her side (someone not returning a crush); in return for asking me what would help me cope with unrequited love. Because that's what it would have to be for Abby, her friend. I told her if she truly felt just friendship, she must tell her pal asap. Esp since they'd both had a couple of drinks at a party and shared a kiss. The best thing , in my opinion, would be not letting Abby think it could go deeper--that it was, in my words, blurring of boundaries. That was what I thought Lynn had done unwittingly; letting me stay close for whatever reason. Alex wrote me back 3 days later and said she'd talked with her friend and it helped. They would still be friends; in fact, her BF was to be her maid of honor at her impending wedding. I was so happy to hear that, and envious too; I wished I could've practiced what I'd preached. But of course it's easier to assess things when your emotions aren't running amok.
After a few more exchanges in the next two weeks, Alex invited me to start messaging her on Yahoo. Her handle was pink-n-sweet girly; mine was teribauer035 ( so named for my fave '24' character and age in 2002. Teri is also a nick for my full name, Theresa, so I started using that on occasion in 'real life'). She was a Boston ad executive, 26 years old, and on assignment in the Philippines--which meant I had to be up really late to catch her! She was sweet to me, but also laid down the law when she felt she had to, very no-nonsense. We exchanged pictures online in October. I'd already had a couple chat buddies on Lifetime, and she was a most welcome addition. Though I was guarded, of course, I felt she was a release for me and looked for her to chat with more than the others. It was such a needed scene for me. I knew 'Alex C' might not be her real name, but she was being a real 'buddy', and I needed that now. Lynn was still much on my mind; Alex became, along with Yolanda, Bobbie & my counselor, a good sounding board. On occasion the feelings would rise like a tide, and they needed to flow.
I was still bouncing like a beach ball, still missing my job & Lynn, but at least now I had better places to land. I wasn't as depressed as I''d been.
Bi for now.
Teri
After a few more exchanges in the next two weeks, Alex invited me to start messaging her on Yahoo. Her handle was pink-n-sweet girly; mine was teribauer035 ( so named for my fave '24' character and age in 2002. Teri is also a nick for my full name, Theresa, so I started using that on occasion in 'real life'). She was a Boston ad executive, 26 years old, and on assignment in the Philippines--which meant I had to be up really late to catch her! She was sweet to me, but also laid down the law when she felt she had to, very no-nonsense. We exchanged pictures online in October. I'd already had a couple chat buddies on Lifetime, and she was a most welcome addition. Though I was guarded, of course, I felt she was a release for me and looked for her to chat with more than the others. It was such a needed scene for me. I knew 'Alex C' might not be her real name, but she was being a real 'buddy', and I needed that now. Lynn was still much on my mind; Alex became, along with Yolanda, Bobbie & my counselor, a good sounding board. On occasion the feelings would rise like a tide, and they needed to flow.
I was still bouncing like a beach ball, still missing my job & Lynn, but at least now I had better places to land. I wasn't as depressed as I''d been.
Bi for now.
Teri
Trying to move on
Posted on 30/12 22:09
It was a warm August week, but I was not happy. Though I loved my job, and was upset to lose it, I think I was more upset at not seeing Lynn again each day. I knew she still didn;t want to see me, but I could still see her. I'd thought she was the prettiest girl I ever saw, and just her physical appeal was enough for me. Well, sometimes my heart lurched for the not-so-distant past, the cold, icy 2002 Christmas when we seemed so close. In fact, I had never changed my office calendar to 2003, it still read December 2002. What it was to me after losing my job was heartache only temporarily relieved by doing things with my kids ( 5 1/2 & 3 then) and re-watching favorite movies. And it was out of all this free time that I heard about a soap with a gay character--none other than the daughter of Susan Lucci's Erica on All My Children. I was in bad need of something affirming, despite the good counselors I was seeing weekly, and this seemed to be it. Thus in September 2003 I joined the ranks of AMC fans, in hopes of seeing a happy, healthy woman who loved women. Sadly, that was not the case, as Bianca was written horribly under a new writer; but my interest in the show stayed. (And brought me a second favorite character--Greenlee, the sweet & snarky gal who would later bring Sabine Singh into my life).
I started keeping in touch with Yolanda, who had become a personal as well as office friend. Two days after leaving, I'd heard from her that Ward-Kaps already replaced me--which validated my suspicions about my job status: they were planning to oust me, despite saying otherwise. Because no way could they have run an ad and hired someone in under 48 hours. I also learned that Yolanda overheard Mr. B 'reassuring' Lynn that 'they were getting rid of me.' Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I'd wanted more of the truth, now I had it--and wished I didn;t. Just another thing to affect my coping. I';d gone from wanting to hide, to being ready to talk, to wanting to hide again. I was embarrassed, esp in facing my parents. I was so grateful to have counseling, where I could rant & 'spill.' It was costly, as insurance didn;t cover it all, but for once, I didn;t mind the extra spending. And I had Yolanda, who reassured me my sexuality was no big deal to her. She didn;t like talking about it every time we met, which was understandable, but I knew she was someone I could talk to. Along with Bobbie Jo, my BF. Tim is cool in discussing it too--but I didn't want to wear him out.
Josie was starting kindergarten, which kick-started me into a new focus & routine. I'd now have the 2 kids in school, but in different places: Josie at Our Lady, Jamie still at Kindercare preschool. Which meant I'd have more personal time now--and time to ruminate. I was almost desperate to find a support group, or person like me, that I could chat with from time to time.
I had started writing on the Lifetime TV advice boards, and I posed my question to them, as well as surfing the net.
September 1 was Labor Day--and for the first time in weeks, a pleasant surprise; one which would color the months ahead.
Bi for now.
Teri
I started keeping in touch with Yolanda, who had become a personal as well as office friend. Two days after leaving, I'd heard from her that Ward-Kaps already replaced me--which validated my suspicions about my job status: they were planning to oust me, despite saying otherwise. Because no way could they have run an ad and hired someone in under 48 hours. I also learned that Yolanda overheard Mr. B 'reassuring' Lynn that 'they were getting rid of me.' Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I'd wanted more of the truth, now I had it--and wished I didn;t. Just another thing to affect my coping. I';d gone from wanting to hide, to being ready to talk, to wanting to hide again. I was embarrassed, esp in facing my parents. I was so grateful to have counseling, where I could rant & 'spill.' It was costly, as insurance didn;t cover it all, but for once, I didn;t mind the extra spending. And I had Yolanda, who reassured me my sexuality was no big deal to her. She didn;t like talking about it every time we met, which was understandable, but I knew she was someone I could talk to. Along with Bobbie Jo, my BF. Tim is cool in discussing it too--but I didn't want to wear him out.
Josie was starting kindergarten, which kick-started me into a new focus & routine. I'd now have the 2 kids in school, but in different places: Josie at Our Lady, Jamie still at Kindercare preschool. Which meant I'd have more personal time now--and time to ruminate. I was almost desperate to find a support group, or person like me, that I could chat with from time to time.
I had started writing on the Lifetime TV advice boards, and I posed my question to them, as well as surfing the net.
September 1 was Labor Day--and for the first time in weeks, a pleasant surprise; one which would color the months ahead.
Bi for now.
Teri
Chapter the last--August 5
Posted on 08/11 20:07
Like sands thru the hourglass, so are the days of our lives... so goes the opening credits of that popular soap opera. I was alternately enjoying & enduring the last days of July, in a routine which no longer included Lynn. I saw more of Yolanda, as she delivered my daily files, and I occasionally just met with her to talk. Elena was talking to me again, and had asked several favors of me re her work accounts in the past few weeks. At least Lynn no longer left the room when I entered it, but in looking away she had that same 'don;t care' expression. I was hoping that I could influence her, in showing I was trying to move on & change how I expressed myself, but no soap. Fortunately, I still listened to Sunny 95 as I worked, and got a series of favorite songs which always seemed to air in afternoon. I could focus on that, and on interacting with others; as for a few of them, things changed with knowing more of 'the story.' And I guess I'd changed too--I now was ready to answer questions should they ask, though I wasn;t about to go out of my way for it.
On August 5, though, I pondered if it all was worth it; it sure wasn't enough on that day. I was called into Mr. B's office and fired. I was in at 10:15 AM, and out--permanently--at 4:30 PM. Mr. B & son Andy informed me I wasn't where I should be after 2 years, and I was out. Worded differently, of course, but that was the gist of it. A marked contrast from when I'd asked about my job status just a few weeks before, and Andy assured me my job was safe. There had been a concern about double-paying bills--as monies went to clients first, then bills; so I occasionally got 2 copies of a bill. Once I'd started checking with Andy, though, the problem had resolved. He'd told me to just keep doing what I was doing, esp with the bills, and things would be OK. I pointedly asked him, why didn't he tell me this 3 weeks ago? He and his dad couldn;t look me in the eye, but did say yes, they should have said something. Mr. B was hoping the other partners would 'change their minds.' Change their minds? So they'd been planning to let me go back when. What else didn't I know about that? I didn't think to ask. I was just mad, though I did my best to hide it; ever aware that they would be a reference now, not my employer. I finished up my remaining work, and cleared my voicemail box. Mr. B said yes, things should've been handled more fairly, and said they wouldn;t challenge unemployment. Yeah, thanks. I knew I should've been grateful to Mr. B for stringing things out, but I wasn't in a charitable mood.
In the back of my mind--was it partly what had happened with Lynn? I didn't ask. I should have. Maybe I didn't want to know. I just figured I never see her again now, since we no longer worked together. Despite the loss of a job I loved, and needed income, that was my big concern. The Christmas gift exchange, the tough winter, flashbacks of going to Club 185 for lunch the previous summer, the 'spell' at Spaghetti Warehouse....all joined in to weigh me down with tears & anger. Counseling obviously hadn;t helped enough, I thought--and if I'd been proactive in handling my feelings at a younger age, this wouldn;t have happened. I was almost 36, repeating my 22-year-old mistakes. I guess this is partly why I was so drawn to Sabine Singh, my actress friend dismissed rudely from AMC in 2007. Though our jobs were worlds apart, we'd been treated much the same way-- lied to, strung along, then having the bomb just dropped about jobs we loved. For her, it came at Christmas--the best holiday of the year--and she was doubly humiliated by promos of Rebecca's return while still onscreen. I could relate, and my heart had gone out to her big-time. There is more to my feelings now, 2 years later, but how I'd felt in 2003 started it. I remembered all too well the hurt, though I was years past it. But on that August day there was no Sabine, or even All My Children yet. Only Lynn, an uncertain future and feelings I had to deal with still. I;d been glad to deal with them. Now, not so much...
Bi for now.
Teri
On August 5, though, I pondered if it all was worth it; it sure wasn't enough on that day. I was called into Mr. B's office and fired. I was in at 10:15 AM, and out--permanently--at 4:30 PM. Mr. B & son Andy informed me I wasn't where I should be after 2 years, and I was out. Worded differently, of course, but that was the gist of it. A marked contrast from when I'd asked about my job status just a few weeks before, and Andy assured me my job was safe. There had been a concern about double-paying bills--as monies went to clients first, then bills; so I occasionally got 2 copies of a bill. Once I'd started checking with Andy, though, the problem had resolved. He'd told me to just keep doing what I was doing, esp with the bills, and things would be OK. I pointedly asked him, why didn't he tell me this 3 weeks ago? He and his dad couldn;t look me in the eye, but did say yes, they should have said something. Mr. B was hoping the other partners would 'change their minds.' Change their minds? So they'd been planning to let me go back when. What else didn't I know about that? I didn't think to ask. I was just mad, though I did my best to hide it; ever aware that they would be a reference now, not my employer. I finished up my remaining work, and cleared my voicemail box. Mr. B said yes, things should've been handled more fairly, and said they wouldn;t challenge unemployment. Yeah, thanks. I knew I should've been grateful to Mr. B for stringing things out, but I wasn't in a charitable mood.
In the back of my mind--was it partly what had happened with Lynn? I didn't ask. I should have. Maybe I didn't want to know. I just figured I never see her again now, since we no longer worked together. Despite the loss of a job I loved, and needed income, that was my big concern. The Christmas gift exchange, the tough winter, flashbacks of going to Club 185 for lunch the previous summer, the 'spell' at Spaghetti Warehouse....all joined in to weigh me down with tears & anger. Counseling obviously hadn;t helped enough, I thought--and if I'd been proactive in handling my feelings at a younger age, this wouldn;t have happened. I was almost 36, repeating my 22-year-old mistakes. I guess this is partly why I was so drawn to Sabine Singh, my actress friend dismissed rudely from AMC in 2007. Though our jobs were worlds apart, we'd been treated much the same way-- lied to, strung along, then having the bomb just dropped about jobs we loved. For her, it came at Christmas--the best holiday of the year--and she was doubly humiliated by promos of Rebecca's return while still onscreen. I could relate, and my heart had gone out to her big-time. There is more to my feelings now, 2 years later, but how I'd felt in 2003 started it. I remembered all too well the hurt, though I was years past it. But on that August day there was no Sabine, or even All My Children yet. Only Lynn, an uncertain future and feelings I had to deal with still. I;d been glad to deal with them. Now, not so much...
Bi for now.
Teri
Taking hold (June into July)
Posted on 07/11 21:40
In Fall 2001, when I first started at Ward Kaps, I had not felt so out of place. I was a new face, people were curious, and I was eager to start my new job; and prove I could do as well, if not better, than my predecessor. Now, I knew I had to prove ME. The lines were drawn. Cohorts who sympathized, those who didn;t--and Yolanda was kind of the go-between. She was still my friend, and Lynn's, and fellow workers were asking her things I'd said. I felt fortunate in that she always told them there was more to the story than what they'd heard. Apparently not enough for them to talk more to me, though. But there was enough from Yolanda to tease some things out. I'd heard the phrase 'square peg in round hole' often in my life; and it sure does fit sometimes. Digging out of that hole, and refitting--not as easy as it sounds. It also meant 'squaring' things with the feelings of 20 other people, in my case.
I was desperate to prove myself, and get some normalcy back, but was realistic enough now to see that I couldn't do it alone. I occasionally spoke with Tim & my BF, Bobbie Jo, but I didn't want to wear them out. Bobbie was set in her negative impression of Lynn too, based also on meeting her before; and I needed some balance. I'd also started posting on the advice board at Lifetime.com, just to get feedback. Some I didn;t like, but it still gave me things to think about. But I needed to talk to real people, sound off, as I heard more behind-the-scenes info thru the grapevine. So like I did my senior year in college, I went proactive and sought counseling. There were 2 I really liked, and started seeing them. One I'd see well into 2005, the other I saw a few months. I'd keep getting the scoop from Yolanda. Some things that, like with my soap, are known to just a few folks, and then have a big 'reveal.' But unlike a soap, they can't be rewritten.
Yolanda told me again, on occasion, that Lynn had never really considered me a friend; and claimed I'd lied about times we spent together outside work. Like that Teejay's lunch in October 2002, where something close was in the air. It was an arrow at my heart. It was one thing to hate me now--I could almost understand. But to deny there was anything between us--like I said above, it can't be rewritten! Our bond happened, and I'm sorry, but no one's that good an actress. If she didn;t want anything to do with me outside work, she could've said no--like she did in the last month (April). So for a spell, she did want to hang around me. Was she going all out to distance herself so no one would think she was like me? Anyone could tell she wasn't. Yolanda said she'd mentioned how I tried to help her through her pregnancy, but still I'd 'driven her crazy' in that time. That struck me--for another reason: another lie! She'd said I was the only coworker she told, the only one she felt she could turn to; but it seemed she'd told the other clerks and a few others. I'd been a last resort to try & get 'help' from. oy vey. I felt used & hurt. I tried to keep it in check & not judge--as I knew my attentions to her had been somewhat smothering, even when I tried to back off. And I knew revealing my crush was ill-timed. Though she'd asked, I should've put it off. I just wanted her back as a friend, somehow, too. I had gotten the lightning bolt the previous June, and that wasn;t easy to douse. Something so part of your life, never is. Even when Yolanda told me Lynn would file 'harrassment' charges with our bosses if I tried to talk to her. I didn;t want to believe it, but the memory of Lynn's face in the halls, so different from the sweet smiles of Christmas, convinced me.
But the heart wants what it wants, and you can know things 'by heart.' I knew a Lynn that didn;t talk under her breath about people, said she'd trusted me completely (that hit home when I held my secret--ouch), and seemed to enjoy our times together. Even her aunt Joyce (who'd quit by then) said Lynn rarely had close girlfriends, but with me, it was so different.... So a part of me still thought I could reach Lynn, get her past the discomfort. A few Lifetime advisers told me to be careful, and gave guidelines on how to handle some situations. My counselors told me I should accept things as they were, not analyze so much...cause I would drive myself crazy. Still, I was preoccupied--when I wasn't guiding Josie through her first swimming lessons or doing a family outing, I was thinking of Lynn; and wishing the hours away til I'd see her again, like I did before. But now, it was more making sure she'd stay working there, and leaving the door open for reconnect. (Any surprise I failed 'logic' sections in math?)
Bi for now.
Teri
I was desperate to prove myself, and get some normalcy back, but was realistic enough now to see that I couldn't do it alone. I occasionally spoke with Tim & my BF, Bobbie Jo, but I didn't want to wear them out. Bobbie was set in her negative impression of Lynn too, based also on meeting her before; and I needed some balance. I'd also started posting on the advice board at Lifetime.com, just to get feedback. Some I didn;t like, but it still gave me things to think about. But I needed to talk to real people, sound off, as I heard more behind-the-scenes info thru the grapevine. So like I did my senior year in college, I went proactive and sought counseling. There were 2 I really liked, and started seeing them. One I'd see well into 2005, the other I saw a few months. I'd keep getting the scoop from Yolanda. Some things that, like with my soap, are known to just a few folks, and then have a big 'reveal.' But unlike a soap, they can't be rewritten.
Yolanda told me again, on occasion, that Lynn had never really considered me a friend; and claimed I'd lied about times we spent together outside work. Like that Teejay's lunch in October 2002, where something close was in the air. It was an arrow at my heart. It was one thing to hate me now--I could almost understand. But to deny there was anything between us--like I said above, it can't be rewritten! Our bond happened, and I'm sorry, but no one's that good an actress. If she didn;t want anything to do with me outside work, she could've said no--like she did in the last month (April). So for a spell, she did want to hang around me. Was she going all out to distance herself so no one would think she was like me? Anyone could tell she wasn't. Yolanda said she'd mentioned how I tried to help her through her pregnancy, but still I'd 'driven her crazy' in that time. That struck me--for another reason: another lie! She'd said I was the only coworker she told, the only one she felt she could turn to; but it seemed she'd told the other clerks and a few others. I'd been a last resort to try & get 'help' from. oy vey. I felt used & hurt. I tried to keep it in check & not judge--as I knew my attentions to her had been somewhat smothering, even when I tried to back off. And I knew revealing my crush was ill-timed. Though she'd asked, I should've put it off. I just wanted her back as a friend, somehow, too. I had gotten the lightning bolt the previous June, and that wasn;t easy to douse. Something so part of your life, never is. Even when Yolanda told me Lynn would file 'harrassment' charges with our bosses if I tried to talk to her. I didn;t want to believe it, but the memory of Lynn's face in the halls, so different from the sweet smiles of Christmas, convinced me.
But the heart wants what it wants, and you can know things 'by heart.' I knew a Lynn that didn;t talk under her breath about people, said she'd trusted me completely (that hit home when I held my secret--ouch), and seemed to enjoy our times together. Even her aunt Joyce (who'd quit by then) said Lynn rarely had close girlfriends, but with me, it was so different.... So a part of me still thought I could reach Lynn, get her past the discomfort. A few Lifetime advisers told me to be careful, and gave guidelines on how to handle some situations. My counselors told me I should accept things as they were, not analyze so much...cause I would drive myself crazy. Still, I was preoccupied--when I wasn't guiding Josie through her first swimming lessons or doing a family outing, I was thinking of Lynn; and wishing the hours away til I'd see her again, like I did before. But now, it was more making sure she'd stay working there, and leaving the door open for reconnect. (Any surprise I failed 'logic' sections in math?)
Bi for now.
Teri
No 'merry month of May'--or start to June
Posted on 28/10 19:38
No strolling through parks one day in a merry May--at least not in 2003. Maybe it was appropriate that I met Sabine Singh, my actress-friend crush, on a May day last year: one of my most alive times, to make up for one of the saddest in recent years. I took no joy in work now, half the fun was seeing Lynn and spending time with her. Now I had neither, as I got the vibe I should steer clear of her. I was still concerned about her, and faulted myself for the 'breakup'. I still wanted to prove I cared for her and didn;t want to make her uncomfortable, so I went out of my way to avoid her; despite the 'jealous' pangs I felt seeing her with Jessie, Joan or fellow clerks at lunch/ breaks. I knew I still had a job to do, and determined to start liking it again, Lynn-free; as I did in late 2001, before Lynn came. I still thought about her a lot. I couldn't hide that from Tim, and it affected things at home. I determined to fix that too.
On the Friday before Memorial Day (May 23), Lynn startled me by showing in my office. Our boss had commented to me that I had been handling things well and there was less 'tension' now; maybe this was proof positive. We exchanged 'hi's', then she handed me a note. It asked if she could borrow some cash from petty-cash; she said I could give it to her at lunch. I later explained that we didn;t have that much in petty cash, but if she really needed it, I'd borrow it from my own account. She half-smiled, said I didn;t have to, but did thank me when I brought it. I had been so joyful, literally joyful, to do this for her. It was like old times. And that she was dressed in a black tank with form-fitting jeans just sweetened the picture. I couldn't wait to see her again Tuesday. I also wanted to tell her she could just repay petty cash instead of me--I didn;t want her to think she owed me. I felt the old energy, big-time. So on Tuesday, after what was a nice weekend, I saw her and visited her like I used to, and also said she could just repay petty cash when she could. She just took out her purse and wordlessly handed back what money she hadn't used--then didn't say another word to me, even when I passed out checks. When I said goodnight to her, for the first time in weeks, she looked at me coolly and said, 'You don;t have to talk with me, Teri.' Taken aback, I said softly, OK. I was puzzled, and a bit hurt. What was that bit about seeing me in the office, then brushing me off? Had I myself not handled it right? I still wonder. But in any case, she wasn;t talking to me again, and just when it looked like the ice had started cracking, the 'hole' refilled and refroze.
As June started, bolstered by her brief contact with me, I tried to revive it. She had approached me, so I'd do her. I still loved her, and wanted something. I had to try something. I put on my nicest face, and tried twice to speak with her. But June started much the same way April ended--her not wanting anything to do with me. She conceded that we had been friends, but now she just wanted me to leave her alone. She said that there was nothing I could say that she wanted to hear. I wanted to ask about Memorial Day weekend, but knew it wouldn;t matter. Tim was upset at the turn of events, and said at least she could pay me what she owed from before. Still desperate to keep what vestiges I could of our old bond, I told him not to push it. I know part of me was thinking, she'd see how nice I was not to make an issue of the money; and maybe 'come back to me.' Truly, the $ didn;t matter to me--I just wanted Her in my life again. But Tim, straightforward as always, asked--nicely--to speak with her after we went to lunch. I overheard that as I walked back to my office. I was holding my breath on that--and sadly, my fear came true. Joan, who'd been with her, cornered me in the copy area, pushed me up against the copier, and told me to leave her alone. That she was at her wits' end, she didn;t want me even saying hi to her. I said I hadn;t talked with her in over 5 weeks, but she did owe me $, and we'd just wondered how she wanted to repay it; since we no longer spoke. Joan said I should just write her a note, and not talk to her. She didn;t get why I had, when Lynn had made her position clear.
I thought about mentioning the money she'd wanted in May--but figured, what was the use. Plus, part of me still didn;t want her to look bad. I still loved her. Though, from seeing the dark glare in her eyes that day I tried to talk to her, I knew I didn't know her anymore.
Bi for now.
Teri
On the Friday before Memorial Day (May 23), Lynn startled me by showing in my office. Our boss had commented to me that I had been handling things well and there was less 'tension' now; maybe this was proof positive. We exchanged 'hi's', then she handed me a note. It asked if she could borrow some cash from petty-cash; she said I could give it to her at lunch. I later explained that we didn;t have that much in petty cash, but if she really needed it, I'd borrow it from my own account. She half-smiled, said I didn;t have to, but did thank me when I brought it. I had been so joyful, literally joyful, to do this for her. It was like old times. And that she was dressed in a black tank with form-fitting jeans just sweetened the picture. I couldn't wait to see her again Tuesday. I also wanted to tell her she could just repay petty cash instead of me--I didn;t want her to think she owed me. I felt the old energy, big-time. So on Tuesday, after what was a nice weekend, I saw her and visited her like I used to, and also said she could just repay petty cash when she could. She just took out her purse and wordlessly handed back what money she hadn't used--then didn't say another word to me, even when I passed out checks. When I said goodnight to her, for the first time in weeks, she looked at me coolly and said, 'You don;t have to talk with me, Teri.' Taken aback, I said softly, OK. I was puzzled, and a bit hurt. What was that bit about seeing me in the office, then brushing me off? Had I myself not handled it right? I still wonder. But in any case, she wasn;t talking to me again, and just when it looked like the ice had started cracking, the 'hole' refilled and refroze.
As June started, bolstered by her brief contact with me, I tried to revive it. She had approached me, so I'd do her. I still loved her, and wanted something. I had to try something. I put on my nicest face, and tried twice to speak with her. But June started much the same way April ended--her not wanting anything to do with me. She conceded that we had been friends, but now she just wanted me to leave her alone. She said that there was nothing I could say that she wanted to hear. I wanted to ask about Memorial Day weekend, but knew it wouldn;t matter. Tim was upset at the turn of events, and said at least she could pay me what she owed from before. Still desperate to keep what vestiges I could of our old bond, I told him not to push it. I know part of me was thinking, she'd see how nice I was not to make an issue of the money; and maybe 'come back to me.' Truly, the $ didn;t matter to me--I just wanted Her in my life again. But Tim, straightforward as always, asked--nicely--to speak with her after we went to lunch. I overheard that as I walked back to my office. I was holding my breath on that--and sadly, my fear came true. Joan, who'd been with her, cornered me in the copy area, pushed me up against the copier, and told me to leave her alone. That she was at her wits' end, she didn;t want me even saying hi to her. I said I hadn;t talked with her in over 5 weeks, but she did owe me $, and we'd just wondered how she wanted to repay it; since we no longer spoke. Joan said I should just write her a note, and not talk to her. She didn;t get why I had, when Lynn had made her position clear.
I thought about mentioning the money she'd wanted in May--but figured, what was the use. Plus, part of me still didn;t want her to look bad. I still loved her. Though, from seeing the dark glare in her eyes that day I tried to talk to her, I knew I didn't know her anymore.
Bi for now.
Teri
Twisting on...
Posted on 28/10 10:55
The term deflate means to let the air out of something; so there's no air or substance left. A flat balloon, a sunken ball--that was me, in the weeks following the Reveal. It was like being more a stranger at work now, than when I'd first started. I'd been there 18 months, and it had come to this. I made the motions, but may as well have been invisible. A couple people--including Yolanda--still talked to me, but for the most part, my cohorts largely steered clear. Any female cohort I invited to lunch now looked at me as if I was propositioning. And Lynn....she had my heart at work still, and had been so much a part of my life for 10 months, that not having her (even to talk with) just drained me. I no longer looked forward to doing the job I loved, cause she was no longer part of it. Yolanda & Elena brought me my files; when they weren't there, one of the secretaries did. When my Avon order came in (the one I'd paid for that fateful April 24), it was dropped on my desk chair when I was out of my office. I latched on to Yolanda, who really seemed curious about what had happened; since she'd been absent a few days after April 24/early May.
She had suspected about me long before, it turned out--as had Lynn & several others in the office. But til now, nothing had really been said. And I myself still had not talked with anyone but Lynn, who'd seemed to be the one person I could share with (given our bond). But people knew now--and what they knew, had to come through Lynn and maybe Yolanda. What had Lynn said about our relationship? I literally agonized over it. I felt good that Yolanda at least was asking questions--but no one else spoke to me about it. So Lynn's 'report' couldn't have been good. I wanted to share my side, but I was afraid to--and at that point, wanted only to 'prove' myself to be the same person 'in spite of' my bisexuality.
The first week of May I wrote Lynn a letter, trying to reach out to her in an unobtrusive way. In the 2 page epistle, I mentioned my crush on her in one sentence--the rest dwelt on the friendship we'd shared, the Holiday gifts & Christmas party, how we'd talked on the phone, gotten through her situation...well, you get the points. (: I went to lay it on her table in the file area, and she caught me. I said I had a letter I hoped she'd at least look at. She looked at me silently for a moment, then agreed. She said to just lay it on the table, she'd get it. I nodded and left without another word. Amazing how a short week or so could change things. I now tiptoed around her like a hyper-shy schoolkid with a crush. I hadn't seen one of her smiles in over a week. We once talked on the phone 2x a week. Now there was just one thing between us....something that made me different, something that made her different. I now had a real fear of her, too, and got only narrowed eyes from her. I hoped that letter would also make some difference. I steered clear of her deliberately for the rest of that week, waiting....
But there was no happy twist. Yolanda told me, on a later visit to my office, that Lynn had photocopied my letter and showed it to Andy (law partner & boss' son), among others. She had no intent of talking with me. And what's more, she was denying we did things outside of work--and said she never really considered us friends. I could only venture she was protecting herself from suspicion that she was like me; but still, the denial hurt, and what's more, was a lie. No one's that good an actress. Why had it come to this?? Why? I had no answer then--and to this day, still don;t. But it was fresh enough then to keep wondering--and hope that I ciould fix it.
Bi for now.
Teri
She had suspected about me long before, it turned out--as had Lynn & several others in the office. But til now, nothing had really been said. And I myself still had not talked with anyone but Lynn, who'd seemed to be the one person I could share with (given our bond). But people knew now--and what they knew, had to come through Lynn and maybe Yolanda. What had Lynn said about our relationship? I literally agonized over it. I felt good that Yolanda at least was asking questions--but no one else spoke to me about it. So Lynn's 'report' couldn't have been good. I wanted to share my side, but I was afraid to--and at that point, wanted only to 'prove' myself to be the same person 'in spite of' my bisexuality.
The first week of May I wrote Lynn a letter, trying to reach out to her in an unobtrusive way. In the 2 page epistle, I mentioned my crush on her in one sentence--the rest dwelt on the friendship we'd shared, the Holiday gifts & Christmas party, how we'd talked on the phone, gotten through her situation...well, you get the points. (: I went to lay it on her table in the file area, and she caught me. I said I had a letter I hoped she'd at least look at. She looked at me silently for a moment, then agreed. She said to just lay it on the table, she'd get it. I nodded and left without another word. Amazing how a short week or so could change things. I now tiptoed around her like a hyper-shy schoolkid with a crush. I hadn't seen one of her smiles in over a week. We once talked on the phone 2x a week. Now there was just one thing between us....something that made me different, something that made her different. I now had a real fear of her, too, and got only narrowed eyes from her. I hoped that letter would also make some difference. I steered clear of her deliberately for the rest of that week, waiting....
But there was no happy twist. Yolanda told me, on a later visit to my office, that Lynn had photocopied my letter and showed it to Andy (law partner & boss' son), among others. She had no intent of talking with me. And what's more, she was denying we did things outside of work--and said she never really considered us friends. I could only venture she was protecting herself from suspicion that she was like me; but still, the denial hurt, and what's more, was a lie. No one's that good an actress. Why had it come to this?? Why? I had no answer then--and to this day, still don;t. But it was fresh enough then to keep wondering--and hope that I ciould fix it.
Bi for now.
Teri
April 25/shatter
Posted on 04/10 20:00
When someone says 'the dam broke', they aren't kidding.
Strong feelings, a secret-- like the pressure of a flood, will eventually cause that dam to crack & break. And who knows where the water goes or who it sweeps along or when the impact will slow.
Such as what happened with one note, a talk, and a well of feelings I tried to deny.
When I left work that day, I felt relieved that my talk with Lynn was over. I had been both hoping for it and fearing it, now it was done. Seemed to go over OK. Yes, Lynn wanted some space, a disappointment for me though I'd braced for it. In the back of my mind, was the naive hope she could take it in stride since we'd been good friends, and we could stay friends 'just like that.' But I did get it. Some people did need the time to chew on it, esp knowing that your friend cared about you as more than a friend. (Whether she'd suspected I liked HER particularly, I didn't know)
I had a heartfelt talk with my BF that night, at her birthday supper; and was told to watch. She said people could be good actors, and the true test comes with something like this. Bobbie had met Lynn at our Christmas tree-decorating party--supposedly. She told me this night, though, that she'd met Lynn and her aunt (who also worked at WKB) in southern Ohio years ago--Bobbie was also from that area. She didn't want to ruin things, cause Lynn & I seemed close-- but she didn't trust her, or her crowd, then. And it was rekindled on hearing I'd helped her moneywise. I was stunned at that. I had to bite my tongue, in lieu of reminding her that it WAS years ago. I just said I didn't think anyone could be that good an actress--if she didn't want to be around me, she wouldn't have talked to me outside work. And friends helped each other. Bobbie conceded that, but asked me to watch how Lynn acted now. I still wonder today what Lynn really thought: if it WAS an acting job or she was just turned off at this. I won't ever know. Regardless, Bobbie did not overreact about the impending flood. I was the one downstream.
After Tim advised me to just let Lynn talk as she chose, and not push it, I took the kids to Kindercare and went to work. As I entered, I felt the silence. Not from people not being there--but from those being deliberately quiet. No 'hi-s', the whispering as I walked by---
---and the closed door of the fileclerks' office, which was NEVER closed.
I knew then, that they all knew. And it wasn't all right, and Lynn didn't just need space. I had made a huge mistake, though she had written the note and started the ball rolling. Not a word heard--and none needed to know things were shredded. The closed door said it all.
I dragged myself to my office 2 doors down, catching the wary eyes of Lizanne, whose office I passed. Yolanda was not there that day; Lynn clung to Elena, who shadowed her every time she left their office. Anne, Joan, Jesse ( Lizanne's daughter/receptionist) regarded me as an unpleasant stranger. No one spoke to me at the copier while I did my files, except Jesse--to snap that I give her her paycheck then, that I was late delivering them. I had just picked them up 10 minutes before.
The fileclerks' door was open briefly as I walked back to my office. I could see Lynn--in the blue Tommy Hilfiger shirt that first attracted me--slumped at her desk, head on her arms, with Elena reaching out to pat her. I knew that was from me & my words. I should have deflected it, and waited til after work. Or said it differently. She'd asked--but did she really want to know? Did she have an idea-or was she hoping I'd deny it? I felt sick to my stomach. The truth was out, I thought, I could deal with it openly now; but it was clear it had been too much for Lynn to handle. And now Elena knew too, and likely everyone at work. Did the clerks say something--were several cohorts in on that note? When they were out front April 24, had they just been on a break, or watching for me?
We should have talked sooner, I knew that now. Lesson learned--but too late. After I had most of my files done, I went to my office and cried. Esp when Lynn left work a 1/2-hour early, clutching Elena's arm.
Bi for now.
Teri
Strong feelings, a secret-- like the pressure of a flood, will eventually cause that dam to crack & break. And who knows where the water goes or who it sweeps along or when the impact will slow.
Such as what happened with one note, a talk, and a well of feelings I tried to deny.
When I left work that day, I felt relieved that my talk with Lynn was over. I had been both hoping for it and fearing it, now it was done. Seemed to go over OK. Yes, Lynn wanted some space, a disappointment for me though I'd braced for it. In the back of my mind, was the naive hope she could take it in stride since we'd been good friends, and we could stay friends 'just like that.' But I did get it. Some people did need the time to chew on it, esp knowing that your friend cared about you as more than a friend. (Whether she'd suspected I liked HER particularly, I didn't know)
I had a heartfelt talk with my BF that night, at her birthday supper; and was told to watch. She said people could be good actors, and the true test comes with something like this. Bobbie had met Lynn at our Christmas tree-decorating party--supposedly. She told me this night, though, that she'd met Lynn and her aunt (who also worked at WKB) in southern Ohio years ago--Bobbie was also from that area. She didn't want to ruin things, cause Lynn & I seemed close-- but she didn't trust her, or her crowd, then. And it was rekindled on hearing I'd helped her moneywise. I was stunned at that. I had to bite my tongue, in lieu of reminding her that it WAS years ago. I just said I didn't think anyone could be that good an actress--if she didn't want to be around me, she wouldn't have talked to me outside work. And friends helped each other. Bobbie conceded that, but asked me to watch how Lynn acted now. I still wonder today what Lynn really thought: if it WAS an acting job or she was just turned off at this. I won't ever know. Regardless, Bobbie did not overreact about the impending flood. I was the one downstream.
After Tim advised me to just let Lynn talk as she chose, and not push it, I took the kids to Kindercare and went to work. As I entered, I felt the silence. Not from people not being there--but from those being deliberately quiet. No 'hi-s', the whispering as I walked by---
---and the closed door of the fileclerks' office, which was NEVER closed.
I knew then, that they all knew. And it wasn't all right, and Lynn didn't just need space. I had made a huge mistake, though she had written the note and started the ball rolling. Not a word heard--and none needed to know things were shredded. The closed door said it all.
I dragged myself to my office 2 doors down, catching the wary eyes of Lizanne, whose office I passed. Yolanda was not there that day; Lynn clung to Elena, who shadowed her every time she left their office. Anne, Joan, Jesse ( Lizanne's daughter/receptionist) regarded me as an unpleasant stranger. No one spoke to me at the copier while I did my files, except Jesse--to snap that I give her her paycheck then, that I was late delivering them. I had just picked them up 10 minutes before.
The fileclerks' door was open briefly as I walked back to my office. I could see Lynn--in the blue Tommy Hilfiger shirt that first attracted me--slumped at her desk, head on her arms, with Elena reaching out to pat her. I knew that was from me & my words. I should have deflected it, and waited til after work. Or said it differently. She'd asked--but did she really want to know? Did she have an idea-or was she hoping I'd deny it? I felt sick to my stomach. The truth was out, I thought, I could deal with it openly now; but it was clear it had been too much for Lynn to handle. And now Elena knew too, and likely everyone at work. Did the clerks say something--were several cohorts in on that note? When they were out front April 24, had they just been on a break, or watching for me?
We should have talked sooner, I knew that now. Lesson learned--but too late. After I had most of my files done, I went to my office and cried. Esp when Lynn left work a 1/2-hour early, clutching Elena's arm.
Bi for now.
Teri
April 24, 2003--Part Deux
Posted on 27/09 20:38
Lynn did not want to be alone with me when I came to talk. As she initially didn't want to talk at all, I saw it as a positive sign that she agreed to see me, even in that condition. I had quietly argued that I deserved more than a brief note; after what we'd shared. But Joan's daughter and 'Helen' said it would be best if we talked alone. They were clearly not comfortable either, at that moment. I didn't like that turn, but I was grateful for the chance to be alone with Lynn. I didn't want an audience. My heart was pounding loud as I sat down across from someone I loved, with whom I'd shared many easy talks, phone calls, and tender Christmastime moments. Who'd trusted me with her ordeal, and had just 2 weeks before dared me to go to Penzone for beauty work. I now sat across from her as a defendant on trial, tongue-tied; at a place we often hugged & laughed.
I asked casually about the note. She told me, barely meeting my eyes, that she now had a third job (PT), and had no time for friends. She said we could still talk, but her focus had to be on her kids & work--and she didn;t want me calling her anymore or visiting. She also asked, how had I gotten her phone # to begin with? I reminded her she had given me it before our first lunch date in August 2002 (oh, my stomach lurched thinking of that!). She then said this was best, too, because others in the office thought I was obsessed with her. That hit a nerve. I had thought I was toning down--but apparently not enough. (why, then did she take the $ I still offered her at times?) I sincerely apologized, and was sorry people saw it that way. I certainly had not meant to embarrass her (and apparently myself along the way). Our coworkers had commented about me, unbeknownst to me. Now was the moment of truth. I gingerly commented that I'd had something to tell her, but didn't want it to be this way (but I figured I had to now, might be a long time before we spoke again). She asked 'what is it?' I said, well, not now; work wasn;t the place; could we talk outside after work? As I looked outside to make sure no one was walking by, Lynn looked me in the eye and said 'everyone already knows, you may as well tell me.'
I broached how I loved Tim, that he was the best thing in my life--
--and she completed, 'but you like women too'--
--I exhaled, unaware I'd been holding my breath, and said 'Yes, that's it.'
She looked at me, with a kind of wry smile (the first she'd given me that week), and commented, 'I thought so, but I didn't want to say anything til you told me.' She then asked if Tim knew. I clarified I was bi (or thought I did), and said yes, he knew. I even shared that my coming out had helped our intimacy. She then looked me in the eye and said, 'Can you be honest with me?' I said, sure. She then asked The Question: did I have feelings like that for her? The question I'd hoped for, dreaded, wanted to explain, wanted to go away....all at once. It was there on the table. Relief took over and let me go. I told her I'd had a crush on her for awhile now, months. She then asked again if Tim knew, I said yes. But he trusted me. And I told her, quite honestly, that I would never do anything to her; that I just wanted to be a good friend to her. 'And I have been?' I asked. She nodded quietly. I wanted to add that I know I went overboard at times, but it was just because I cared, & wanted to help--no strings attached (though I wouldn't have minded time in her arms, for sure). But we just looked each other in the eye for a long minute. Things fell silent. She then asked if we could finish this tomorrow--it was past 4:30 and she had to go. She also wanted to think about things before talking again. I said sure, maybe we could meet in there for lunch? She said she'd see. She then assured me that what she'd said held--we could still see each other at work, and talk occasionally. But she needed the space. I hurriedly agreed, not wanting to press my luck, and said I'd see her however/whenever she wanted; if not tomorrow, maybe Monday. She then left, and I went back to my office. Almost giddy with relief, that she still was speaking to me and would at least be an office friend, I finished all my remaining files before leaving. At least I'd get to see her somehow, be around her, and she'd bring my daily files sometimes--we'd say 'hi.'
How relieved I was, set to adjust to the new way, while giving her 'space' she needed now. How happy I was the secret was out, dealt with, and we could move on. How content I was--and so stupidly naive....
Teri
I asked casually about the note. She told me, barely meeting my eyes, that she now had a third job (PT), and had no time for friends. She said we could still talk, but her focus had to be on her kids & work--and she didn;t want me calling her anymore or visiting. She also asked, how had I gotten her phone # to begin with? I reminded her she had given me it before our first lunch date in August 2002 (oh, my stomach lurched thinking of that!). She then said this was best, too, because others in the office thought I was obsessed with her. That hit a nerve. I had thought I was toning down--but apparently not enough. (why, then did she take the $ I still offered her at times?) I sincerely apologized, and was sorry people saw it that way. I certainly had not meant to embarrass her (and apparently myself along the way). Our coworkers had commented about me, unbeknownst to me. Now was the moment of truth. I gingerly commented that I'd had something to tell her, but didn't want it to be this way (but I figured I had to now, might be a long time before we spoke again). She asked 'what is it?' I said, well, not now; work wasn;t the place; could we talk outside after work? As I looked outside to make sure no one was walking by, Lynn looked me in the eye and said 'everyone already knows, you may as well tell me.'
I broached how I loved Tim, that he was the best thing in my life--
--and she completed, 'but you like women too'--
--I exhaled, unaware I'd been holding my breath, and said 'Yes, that's it.'
She looked at me, with a kind of wry smile (the first she'd given me that week), and commented, 'I thought so, but I didn't want to say anything til you told me.' She then asked if Tim knew. I clarified I was bi (or thought I did), and said yes, he knew. I even shared that my coming out had helped our intimacy. She then looked me in the eye and said, 'Can you be honest with me?' I said, sure. She then asked The Question: did I have feelings like that for her? The question I'd hoped for, dreaded, wanted to explain, wanted to go away....all at once. It was there on the table. Relief took over and let me go. I told her I'd had a crush on her for awhile now, months. She then asked again if Tim knew, I said yes. But he trusted me. And I told her, quite honestly, that I would never do anything to her; that I just wanted to be a good friend to her. 'And I have been?' I asked. She nodded quietly. I wanted to add that I know I went overboard at times, but it was just because I cared, & wanted to help--no strings attached (though I wouldn't have minded time in her arms, for sure). But we just looked each other in the eye for a long minute. Things fell silent. She then asked if we could finish this tomorrow--it was past 4:30 and she had to go. She also wanted to think about things before talking again. I said sure, maybe we could meet in there for lunch? She said she'd see. She then assured me that what she'd said held--we could still see each other at work, and talk occasionally. But she needed the space. I hurriedly agreed, not wanting to press my luck, and said I'd see her however/whenever she wanted; if not tomorrow, maybe Monday. She then left, and I went back to my office. Almost giddy with relief, that she still was speaking to me and would at least be an office friend, I finished all my remaining files before leaving. At least I'd get to see her somehow, be around her, and she'd bring my daily files sometimes--we'd say 'hi.'
How relieved I was, set to adjust to the new way, while giving her 'space' she needed now. How happy I was the secret was out, dealt with, and we could move on. How content I was--and so stupidly naive....
Teri