One Bi Gal's Journey and Reflections

I be back. Truthfully, before I resumed writing here I hadn;t thought about Alex in 3 years--when her pal Abby had contacted me out of the blue. It's been 7 years, and my memories of the post-Alex period are hazy. I do recall the pain, and how I scrambled to keep in touch with Abby. Abby was of course hurting much more than me; they'd been BFs for years, and she was in love with Alex. A few others also came out of the woodwork--saying they'd known Alex (as Erika, her middle name) and hadn;t heard about her death. I started doing some checking to see what else I could find about her. Abby was a wealth of info, but of course she didn't reveal deep personal stuff, not that I blamed her; we'd never met. I spent time hearing about her; to my shame, sometimes turning my kids away when they wanted to play. I knew I had to do something to avoid the Lynn rut, after all, I had never even met Alex in person. I had felt her substance, and I had fallen in love with it. My cousin, whom I'd come out to before and talked to, was a big help. She & Tim had also tried to find info about Alex's funeral and burial, to no avail. Abby later told me that her service was private, her dad had been a diplomat. They'd actually lived in Europe before returning to the States. That gave me more reason to suspect that maybe Alex C/Alex M wasn;t her real identity. To this day, I don't know, and as I said, don;t think much of it anymore. I do know she was a real friend, whoever she was, and Abby had thought enough about me to get in touch again in 2008. (will tell more later) I just recall wanting to avoid the rut, and I spoke to anyone and everyone who would listen. Even my mom. Tim said she & Dad knew how emotionally attached I got to women I liked, and they were concerned. Mom was able to get past her clear discomfort and listen. Tim listened too, and my pal Bobbie, and friend/ex-cohort Yolanda. The pain of loss was almost as bad as if I knew her personally, and no amount of logic--I didn;t meet her--could change that. I knew I had to channel myself elsewhere.
I entered my first spiritual counseling at that time, with the minister of a GLBT friendly church. He also listened to me, then after a few months, suggested that I seek an actual support group. He wasn;t gay or bi, and though he was affirming, he said he couldn;t relate to my emotions the way others like me could. He told me about Stonewall Columbus, a local branch of a national GLBT organization. His church had members affiliated with it. I liked the idea--I could still maybe talk about my feelings, and best of all, without anyone from my parish knowing. I had been so drowning in first Lynn, now Alex, I thought my armor would crack yet again. I knew it would take time to move on from Alex, though we'd only talked 6 months, and there was still the residuals from Lynn and the bigger issue: how could I cope and keep the 'straight' face at church? It was at this time that Catholic churches started addressing the so-called 'threat to family values' that folks like me posed. So that was on my plate too, I was sensitive to any mention of GLBT people, church or elsewhere. I had started questioning God again, about my acceptability with Him--even wondering briefly if Alex's death was a message. So Stonewall seemed a place to start a new approach; as convoluted as my brainwaves were then, I could ride them somewhere out of the place I was in.



Teri

My heart was jumping like it hadn;t in months, since Lynn had shoved me away. I was more myself in a controlled way, and I was sharing that with Tim & my kids. Just more proof that when the good juices flow, it can affect others, not just you. On February 15, Sunday, I got a late-night IM on Yahoo from Alex, saying hi, hoped I had a good Valentine's day, and she was going to the doctor later, she'd been having dizzy spells. She wanted to be ready for the weekend. I loved any communication with her, and that was like a shot of adrenaline. Tim & I had a good talk about the upcoming weekend, checking the ps & qs; plus he was wondering what I'd do if she said I could 'experiment' with her. He's always said, maybe that's what I need with a woman I care for--but now that the possibility was real, he seemed concerned. I assured him I wouldn;t do anything he was uncomfortable with. In fact, I wasn't sure I'd do anything at all; I was married. Still, maybe a few kisses, I thought, couldn;t hurt anything.
By Wednesday, I'd chosen a small birthday gift for her, and was doing wheelies in my head. I hadn;t heard from her since Sunday, which was unusual. I decided not to press her with IMs, though, thinking a pushy new acquaintance would be a turnoff. But when I still hadn;t heard by Thursday afternoon, the day before she was to fly in, I got antsy. I recall standing with Tim in the driveway, after we'd washed cars, saying I needed to check this, and he said that was a good idea.
Ah, the famous last words thing.....
Tim went upstairs, the kids were sleeping, when I checked my emails and Yahoo. There was a message waiting for me, about an hour old, from PinkNSweetGirly. I eagerly opened it, and in a few minutes Tim, two floors away, knew it too. It was not from Alex, but Abby--and her words were garbled. On February 17, Alex and her hubby, while going to the doctor, had been in an accident. Both had held on for 2 days--but early on Thursday morning, February 19, Aaron and Alex had passed away within 2 hours of each other.
It was like the shock ending to a Lifetime movie, only this was real, and I wasnt watching TV. I screamed, pounded the computer table, ans stumbled toward the upstairs, crying for Tim. Was a wonder I didn;t wake the kids. Tim held me as I cried, in shock himself. Other details of that night, that weekend, are fuzzy now after 7 years, but the pain was almost as bad as when I'd lost my daily contact with Lynn. At least with her, I had the physical memories of 2002/early 2003 to recall, and she was still alive and kicking. The possibility of some re-connection still existed, no matter how remote. Alex was gone, the penpal I'd never get to meet and thank in person. And there was the injustice of it all, she had only been 27, married 2 months, looking forward to great life in London. One of her dreams had been to see the Vienna Boys' Choir, and travel around Europe with her hubby on work vacations. I knew she had to be in heaven now, which is the best place for anyone to be, but at the moment, it brought no comfort. I'd never 'speak' to her again or hear her voice on the webmike. I tried not to make it about me, but I couldn;t help thinking-- Just when things were on the upswing, in moving forth from Lynn and getting new work, I now had to move forth from Alex as well. And hers was permanent.


Bi for now.



Teri

Holidays are, 99% of the time, my favorite time of year. I love Christmas, there is just this feeling in the air, the atmosphere of warmth--sometimes literally, when we come in from the snow to hot chocolate and a movie.Also, everyone seems just a bit nicer to each other, it's like-- at least for now-- we all know we're in this life, and love, together. The colored lights sparkle against the snow, the sun gleams off of it, and the church services are brightly decorated and beautiful. And of course the college bowl games come, we watch our teams as we visit with friends/relatives we don;t otherwise see; except at this time of year. Christmas of 2003/early 2004 was good and bad-- for Alex, and the bittersweet memories of Lynn that lingered. Despite Bobbi, Mom & Alex's advice to stop 'protecting' her and move on, I still loved her and wanted her back in my life. I knew it could never be the same as it was, but I was still in that 'anything's better than nothing' stage, so common to head-over-heels folks. I had also started getting counseling, seeking what I called 'peace.' It colored what was my favorite time of year, despite the great news of Alex's impending wedding (December 23). Still, despite the depression over Lynn, having Alex really lit things up. I have called her the best tonic for me at the time, and that continued on, as we'd talk late into the night (partly because of time difference which put her hours behind me). She became a security blanket, and another crush, as I'm sure you've guessed by now! I also had Yolanda, my friend/ex-cohort, and while I loved her friendship, I admit to part of it being wanting to hear about Lynn, and maybe see her in passing. Without Alex, I feel I would've fallen back into the obsession that ruined things at work; but with Alex, I made some steps forward, seeing that I could care for someone else, and even accepting that Lynn was now basically a face in the crowd. Before, that thought was almost too much to bear. Now I could do it, and was dwelling less on Lynn in my head at home, I used more of that for my kids & Tim. Working parttime before, then largely becoming a stay-home mom after my job loss, I'd always spent much physical time with my kids; then under 6. But my head would wander elsewhere, more than I wanted it to. Between Alex & Yolanda, I was taking short steps past that. I was so happy for Alex after she married, and marveled at how lucky & blessed her new hubby was. She & her friend Abby had come to terms also, which meant that I had, perhaps, made a small impact in saving her friendship with her smitten pal. Thinking I may have made a difference, however small, was sweet for me, as she had done much for me. And yes, after all the talking times--and brief illness she had in December--we did arrange to meet. She would be 27 in February, and her friends were arranging a birthday party in Indianapolis, where her family had a house. Alex & new hubby Aaron now lived in London, but would be coming back that week to wrap up business here--and would also pass through Ohio, my state, to get to Indy. Alex said we could meet at a hotel in my area where she had gone for business. That would be Valentine's week. February 13 I spoke to her via webphone, and got an ecard from her. I was nervous and excited all at once--for all our talks, we'd still not met in person and wouldn't know each other on the street. Tim said what he usually says to me in such times--don;t worry so much. (: He said I was handling things right--to meet in a public place first, size things up, and if the vibes were good, go on and have fun.




Teri

Hi, this is Teri. I know it's been over a year since my last writing. But over the past few months, I've felt a little drain, monotony, from not trying things I'd really like to experience while in the flesh. Writing is what I do best, I think-- better than parenting sometimes--and even as I write now, I can feel the energy. I've thought so much about what matters to me, and I want to tackle more of it. Writing a book or movie has always been a dream of mine, and being on here is a form of that, my story. So, without further ado, I shall resume where I left off--2003 into 2004, and my pink n sweet Alex.
I found my self highly depending on her to be on, to have the marathon talk sessions with, mainly after my kids--still little then--were asleep. She seemed exactly what I needed. My self esteem was at an all-time low, I was still reeling from Lynn. I had drowned virtually in my feelings for her--which, I feel, wouldn;t have happened had I dealt more head-on with my sexuality in the younger years. Not wanting to wear out Tim & Bobbie, she was the tonic. I admit to being a bit obsessed with her as well, sometimes being a few minutes late in picking up Josie from kindergarten if I was having a chat session. But in letting my feelings out, it didn;t feel as smothering and obsessive as with Lynn. I didn;t dwell on her like Lynn. I used some of her advice, and kept in touch with Yolanda. I admit to wanting a way to hear about Lynn, too, in being friends with Yolanda. But I valued her friendship a lot, cause though she was rough around the edges and smoked heavily (something I detest), she was supportive of loved ones and good around my kids when I had them with me. She also tried to be loyal--she got Lynn's POV and she got mine, and she didn;t take sides. Though I was feeling, for the first time really, the heavy hand of folks uncomfortable with people like me, it was actually a freeing time. I was being me. I wasn't hiding. And it felt good. Through Alex's help, I was seeing that, despite my losses, I could still have times where being just me was OK.
I tried practicing what I preached, and listened to Alex if something happened with Abby. Abby was the me of that story, and though she'd accepted Alex's marriage, she still loved Alex; and it seemed to Alex that Abby wanted to push the boundaries a few times before the wedding. In that, I could see how it may have looked from Lynn's side, me seeming smothering--so that helped ease my hurt. Alex loved her friend but made it clear the 'experimenting' they had done was done; she said aloud likely what Lynn was thinking about me--back off. I think I learned more from advising her--voicing my own feelings--than I had in trying to fight my draw to Lynn; which just made things build to the point where they blew. Expressing myself defused things. I couldn;t change the past, but I could learn for the future, would I meet anyone else like Lynn. Alex was just what I needed then. To this day, I still don;t know if that was her real name, but she was a 'real' friend regardless, like a pen pal. I'd never had one before, so this was intriguing too.
In midst of all this, I found myself falling for her beyond infatuation, which confused me; because at least with Lynn I knew her, was around her. I only had heard the sound of Alex's voice on speaker and seen one pic, besides our chats. But she said people showed their essence when they talked, and that was really what was important. She knew people could be fake, but she also thought that would show sooner or later. She was a born Catholic who'd become a nondenominational Christian. Most importantly, she accepted GLBT's. She was just perfect for me then, and I could learn through my own talks with her, how not to obsess and alienate our penpal-ship. Despite my occasional doubts about God's view of people like me, I was convinced He sent her to me through that LifetimeTV column. I saw bits of hope through the haze that had colored my life, and family home, after Ward Kaps.



Bi for now.


Teri

For this entry, I take a break from my story, which now flows into 2004, and give part of my perspective on gay & bi-ness. As my title suggests, I compare it to alcoholism--only in reverse.
With alcoholics, it's said that when they are drinking, they are wet (practicing) alcoholics; which is bad. In drinking excessively, they have impaired judgements and their relationships & jobs suffer. DUIs & verbal abuse, liver damage, and of course bad examples to kids, all come too. On the other hand, being a dry (nondrinking) alcoholic means your relationships are better, your judgement isn;t muddled by booze, and you become healthier.
Alcoholics take this route, being dry, because that is what best helps them function & be healthy; emotionally and physically. Ex-gay groups say that if we go 'cold turkey' (dry) on our feelings, we can be healthier--maybe even go straight. But in reality, that's not true for many--the opposite is. We need to be 'wet' (practicing) to be healthy; and staying dry can actually hurt. Let me clarify.
We can function better, and be healthy, when we accept our sexuality and practice it responsibly. It is very satisfying, and benefical, to be in love, have the love returned, and physically express that love. Gays, bis and straights are all capable of having that. When we have supportive friends and/or family, we also feel better about ourselves. Being able to share with people like ourselves also opens up new, satisfying bonds & hobbies. Conversely, staying 'dry'--repressing--can cause feelings of worthlessness, and guilt for not feeling as we 'should.' Especially with those who are very devout, and feel their feelings go against God's plan for intimacy. Denying outlets for our feelings can also cause frustration, and try something in desperation. Stats have shown gay/bi teens have one of the higher suicide rates. They have also shown gay bonds that last decades--esp the noted one of 51 years between 2 women whose bond lasted til one passed away (I think 2007).
Celibacy is a possibility for some; clergy & nuns choose it willingly. But many can't abstain permanently; and need the gift of having someone to love, and love them. To be intimate with, and connect with. Straights and nonstraights both need that love connection. So being a 'wet' gay/bi person (unlike being a wet alcoholic) can give more emotional health and confidence than staying 'dry'. Here, denial & 'dryness' can bring harmful frustration and self-loathing. In short: alcoholics don't need the substance they avoid--they do better without it; and 2) gay/bi folk do need the substance they're told to avoid: intimacy & love. Whether we accept our sexuality easily, or struggle for years (as many do), we are NOT better without love. That, regardless of views on sexuality, is an indisputable fact.
Toss the beer can, and call a friend.



Bi for now.

The autumn of 2003 had to take some getting used to; as I'd been so accustomed to going to work & dropping the kids off at school til 4 or 5. Josie, now in kindergarten, would come home with me at 10:50; sometimes to take a nap before lunch, as I was not good about getting her up & ready; I was so used to the lax Kindercare schedule. My days thru 4 pm became about her, looking for a new job, Lynn and now Alex. We got used to a routine where she'd be on about 10 or 11PM US time--12 hours later in the Philippines. I grew to depend on our talks, which happened about 4 nights a week, after everyone else was in bed. Tim, curious about my new online friend, would occasionally get on and 'speak' with her. I also spent time with Yolanda, even attending her birthday party/cookout at her house with her hubby, Marlo. I have to admit, though I was sincerely interested in Yolanda's company, part of me wished I'd cross paths with Lynn, as she was also Yolanda's friend. I wanted to keep up with things in the office, too, and have chances to make a good impression on people, like at get-togethers coworkers came to. That did not happen thru the last months of 2003, but the hope had kept me going. And I found Yolanda, despite her rough, working-class edge, was an honest & loyal friend.
We also spoke at times about my sexuality, and what else had happened behind the scenes at Ward-Kaps. Yolanda 'got' Lynn's side too: that Lynn was uncomfortable with me; and said I had to tread carefully with straight people if I had a crush on them. That though it might seem unfair, some didn;t want to hear it because they'd think I was 'after' them, convert them. Yeah, I did bristle at that, but I thought about it and it made sense--a straight telling another straight could bring the same thing. My counselor had said basically the same thing. But she also said she could tell how much I cared about Lynn, and figured I was just immature in showing it; nothing more.(which I admit I was for 36) And that Lynn knew, too--but here was the kicker, she had started denying we ever had a bond; even to Yolanda. She still wanted nothing to do with me, which sunk my heart, despite her lying to others. She might could forget, or repress, but I couldn;t. Not ever.
I went into overdrive trying to be a good parent too, thinking that would compensate for my sexuality. Looking back, sometimes it seemed others accepted me more than I did; I felt I had to 'prove' myself, even to myself. Alex, though we'd just known each other weeks, started admonishing me for dwelling on Lynn. She was a born-again Christian, who'd once thought gay & bi- was a sin, but now didn;t. She saw real love as OK. (though she did admit she'd rather I be gay than bi--the few bisexuals she'd met hadn't valued commitment to one person, and she was trying to get past the negative image) Alex told me bluntly she felt Lynn had used me, esp with money, and part of it could be her discomfort being close to someone like me. As in, what would that mean about her? She thought I should give her benefit of doubt, but not to the point of defending everything she did regarding me. That my feelings counted too. Alex would remind me that she wasn;t a counselor; and though she was flattered that I thought much of her already, I needed to say these things to my counselor. Which I did. Though I still couldn;t share much with my folks--as embarrassed as I'd been 14 years before (in college).
In Alex I was finding that someone whom I could share with, who could relate. She & Abby stayed friends, though Abby was struggling to control her feelings; as she loved Alex romantically. I wished Lynn were like that, that she was concerned about my feelings & friendship too. Through October & into November, I got into a steady routine with Josie & Jamie, occasionally speaking with Yolanda, and checking job leads. Fortunately, that soon became one less worry; as I got unemployment pay and an 'allowance' from Tim. I admit the latter dented my pride severely, but hey, money was money; and it would all last me til I found something regular. And I heard something pleasant--that some ex-cohorts started asking Yolanda about me, and for 'more of the story.' She clarified for them that I was bisexual, not gay, that I had never cheated on Tim, nor had I put moves on Lynn. And she told that we'd shared time beyond work. Lizanne, the office manager (receptionist Jesse's mom), was esp curious; maybe because she'd had the office beside me. She had supported my being let go, based on what she'd heard--but now thought, from the new info, a mistake was made. That she shouldn;t have been so quick to judge. Yeah, I got that, though I didn't like it--I myself was still not immune to GLBT stereotypes. But hey, it was a start.
And Alex my new friend was like tonic on a still-open sore. She seemed too good to be true,
at times. But she seemed to care, and that was all that's important.




Teri

This was a sharp turn into hope for me. My letter on Lifetime had generated a few responses; in fact, I had grown to depend on messages from this board for months. But this new one, dated August 29 (not read by me til 9/1) was one that stood out. The young woman's name was Alexis, aka Alex or Erika (her middle name), and her story was like mine, only in reverse. She was the subject of a crush by her bestfriend--and was trying to figure how to let her pal down easy while not losing their friendship. They had been BFs forever. She gave me advice from her side (someone not returning a crush); in return for asking me what would help me cope with unrequited love. Because that's what it would have to be for Abby, her friend. I told her if she truly felt just friendship, she must tell her pal asap. Esp since they'd both had a couple of drinks at a party and shared a kiss. The best thing , in my opinion, would be not letting Abby think it could go deeper--that it was, in my words, blurring of boundaries. That was what I thought Lynn had done unwittingly; letting me stay close for whatever reason. Alex wrote me back 3 days later and said she'd talked with her friend and it helped. They would still be friends; in fact, her BF was to be her maid of honor at her impending wedding. I was so happy to hear that, and envious too; I wished I could've practiced what I'd preached. But of course it's easier to assess things when your emotions aren't running amok.
After a few more exchanges in the next two weeks, Alex invited me to start messaging her on Yahoo. Her handle was pink-n-sweet girly; mine was teribauer035 ( so named for my fave '24' character and age in 2002. Teri is also a nick for my full name, Theresa, so I started using that on occasion in 'real life'). She was a Boston ad executive, 26 years old, and on assignment in the Philippines--which meant I had to be up really late to catch her! She was sweet to me, but also laid down the law when she felt she had to, very no-nonsense. We exchanged pictures online in October. I'd already had a couple chat buddies on Lifetime, and she was a most welcome addition. Though I was guarded, of course, I felt she was a release for me and looked for her to chat with more than the others. It was such a needed scene for me. I knew 'Alex C' might not be her real name, but she was being a real 'buddy', and I needed that now. Lynn was still much on my mind; Alex became, along with Yolanda, Bobbie & my counselor, a good sounding board. On occasion the feelings would rise like a tide, and they needed to flow.
I was still bouncing like a beach ball, still missing my job & Lynn, but at least now I had better places to land. I wasn't as depressed as I''d been.


Bi for now.


Teri

It was a warm August week, but I was not happy. Though I loved my job, and was upset to lose it, I think I was more upset at not seeing Lynn again each day. I knew she still didn;t want to see me, but I could still see her. I'd thought she was the prettiest girl I ever saw, and just her physical appeal was enough for me. Well, sometimes my heart lurched for the not-so-distant past, the cold, icy 2002 Christmas when we seemed so close. In fact, I had never changed my office calendar to 2003, it still read December 2002. What it was to me after losing my job was heartache only temporarily relieved by doing things with my kids ( 5 1/2 & 3 then) and re-watching favorite movies. And it was out of all this free time that I heard about a soap with a gay character--none other than the daughter of Susan Lucci's Erica on All My Children. I was in bad need of something affirming, despite the good counselors I was seeing weekly, and this seemed to be it. Thus in September 2003 I joined the ranks of AMC fans, in hopes of seeing a happy, healthy woman who loved women. Sadly, that was not the case, as Bianca was written horribly under a new writer; but my interest in the show stayed. (And brought me a second favorite character--Greenlee, the sweet & snarky gal who would later bring Sabine Singh into my life).
I started keeping in touch with Yolanda, who had become a personal as well as office friend. Two days after leaving, I'd heard from her that Ward-Kaps already replaced me--which validated my suspicions about my job status: they were planning to oust me, despite saying otherwise. Because no way could they have run an ad and hired someone in under 48 hours. I also learned that Yolanda overheard Mr. B 'reassuring' Lynn that 'they were getting rid of me.' Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I'd wanted more of the truth, now I had it--and wished I didn;t. Just another thing to affect my coping. I';d gone from wanting to hide, to being ready to talk, to wanting to hide again. I was embarrassed, esp in facing my parents. I was so grateful to have counseling, where I could rant & 'spill.' It was costly, as insurance didn;t cover it all, but for once, I didn;t mind the extra spending. And I had Yolanda, who reassured me my sexuality was no big deal to her. She didn;t like talking about it every time we met, which was understandable, but I knew she was someone I could talk to. Along with Bobbie Jo, my BF. Tim is cool in discussing it too--but I didn't want to wear him out.
Josie was starting kindergarten, which kick-started me into a new focus & routine. I'd now have the 2 kids in school, but in different places: Josie at Our Lady, Jamie still at Kindercare preschool. Which meant I'd have more personal time now--and time to ruminate. I was almost desperate to find a support group, or person like me, that I could chat with from time to time.
I had started writing on the Lifetime TV advice boards, and I posed my question to them, as well as surfing the net.
September 1 was Labor Day--and for the first time in weeks, a pleasant surprise; one which would color the months ahead.


Bi for now.


Teri

Like sands thru the hourglass, so are the days of our lives... so goes the opening credits of that popular soap opera. I was alternately enjoying & enduring the last days of July, in a routine which no longer included Lynn. I saw more of Yolanda, as she delivered my daily files, and I occasionally just met with her to talk. Elena was talking to me again, and had asked several favors of me re her work accounts in the past few weeks. At least Lynn no longer left the room when I entered it, but in looking away she had that same 'don;t care' expression. I was hoping that I could influence her, in showing I was trying to move on & change how I expressed myself, but no soap. Fortunately, I still listened to Sunny 95 as I worked, and got a series of favorite songs which always seemed to air in afternoon. I could focus on that, and on interacting with others; as for a few of them, things changed with knowing more of 'the story.' And I guess I'd changed too--I now was ready to answer questions should they ask, though I wasn;t about to go out of my way for it.
On August 5, though, I pondered if it all was worth it; it sure wasn't enough on that day. I was called into Mr. B's office and fired. I was in at 10:15 AM, and out--permanently--at 4:30 PM. Mr. B & son Andy informed me I wasn't where I should be after 2 years, and I was out. Worded differently, of course, but that was the gist of it. A marked contrast from when I'd asked about my job status just a few weeks before, and Andy assured me my job was safe. There had been a concern about double-paying bills--as monies went to clients first, then bills; so I occasionally got 2 copies of a bill. Once I'd started checking with Andy, though, the problem had resolved. He'd told me to just keep doing what I was doing, esp with the bills, and things would be OK. I pointedly asked him, why didn't he tell me this 3 weeks ago? He and his dad couldn;t look me in the eye, but did say yes, they should have said something. Mr. B was hoping the other partners would 'change their minds.' Change their minds? So they'd been planning to let me go back when. What else didn't I know about that? I didn't think to ask. I was just mad, though I did my best to hide it; ever aware that they would be a reference now, not my employer. I finished up my remaining work, and cleared my voicemail box. Mr. B said yes, things should've been handled more fairly, and said they wouldn;t challenge unemployment. Yeah, thanks. I knew I should've been grateful to Mr. B for stringing things out, but I wasn't in a charitable mood.
In the back of my mind--was it partly what had happened with Lynn? I didn't ask. I should have. Maybe I didn't want to know. I just figured I never see her again now, since we no longer worked together. Despite the loss of a job I loved, and needed income, that was my big concern. The Christmas gift exchange, the tough winter, flashbacks of going to Club 185 for lunch the previous summer, the 'spell' at Spaghetti Warehouse....all joined in to weigh me down with tears & anger. Counseling obviously hadn;t helped enough, I thought--and if I'd been proactive in handling my feelings at a younger age, this wouldn;t have happened. I was almost 36, repeating my 22-year-old mistakes. I guess this is partly why I was so drawn to Sabine Singh, my actress friend dismissed rudely from AMC in 2007. Though our jobs were worlds apart, we'd been treated much the same way-- lied to, strung along, then having the bomb just dropped about jobs we loved. For her, it came at Christmas--the best holiday of the year--and she was doubly humiliated by promos of Rebecca's return while still onscreen. I could relate, and my heart had gone out to her big-time. There is more to my feelings now, 2 years later, but how I'd felt in 2003 started it. I remembered all too well the hurt, though I was years past it. But on that August day there was no Sabine, or even All My Children yet. Only Lynn, an uncertain future and feelings I had to deal with still. I;d been glad to deal with them. Now, not so much...



Bi for now.


Teri

In Fall 2001, when I first started at Ward Kaps, I had not felt so out of place. I was a new face, people were curious, and I was eager to start my new job; and prove I could do as well, if not better, than my predecessor. Now, I knew I had to prove ME. The lines were drawn. Cohorts who sympathized, those who didn;t--and Yolanda was kind of the go-between. She was still my friend, and Lynn's, and fellow workers were asking her things I'd said. I felt fortunate in that she always told them there was more to the story than what they'd heard. Apparently not enough for them to talk more to me, though. But there was enough from Yolanda to tease some things out. I'd heard the phrase 'square peg in round hole' often in my life; and it sure does fit sometimes. Digging out of that hole, and refitting--not as easy as it sounds. It also meant 'squaring' things with the feelings of 20 other people, in my case.
I was desperate to prove myself, and get some normalcy back, but was realistic enough now to see that I couldn't do it alone. I occasionally spoke with Tim & my BF, Bobbie Jo, but I didn't want to wear them out. Bobbie was set in her negative impression of Lynn too, based also on meeting her before; and I needed some balance. I'd also started posting on the advice board at Lifetime.com, just to get feedback. Some I didn;t like, but it still gave me things to think about. But I needed to talk to real people, sound off, as I heard more behind-the-scenes info thru the grapevine. So like I did my senior year in college, I went proactive and sought counseling. There were 2 I really liked, and started seeing them. One I'd see well into 2005, the other I saw a few months. I'd keep getting the scoop from Yolanda. Some things that, like with my soap, are known to just a few folks, and then have a big 'reveal.' But unlike a soap, they can't be rewritten.
Yolanda told me again, on occasion, that Lynn had never really considered me a friend; and claimed I'd lied about times we spent together outside work. Like that Teejay's lunch in October 2002, where something close was in the air. It was an arrow at my heart. It was one thing to hate me now--I could almost understand. But to deny there was anything between us--like I said above, it can't be rewritten! Our bond happened, and I'm sorry, but no one's that good an actress. If she didn;t want anything to do with me outside work, she could've said no--like she did in the last month (April). So for a spell, she did want to hang around me. Was she going all out to distance herself so no one would think she was like me? Anyone could tell she wasn't. Yolanda said she'd mentioned how I tried to help her through her pregnancy, but still I'd 'driven her crazy' in that time. That struck me--for another reason: another lie! She'd said I was the only coworker she told, the only one she felt she could turn to; but it seemed she'd told the other clerks and a few others. I'd been a last resort to try & get 'help' from. oy vey. I felt used & hurt. I tried to keep it in check & not judge--as I knew my attentions to her had been somewhat smothering, even when I tried to back off. And I knew revealing my crush was ill-timed. Though she'd asked, I should've put it off. I just wanted her back as a friend, somehow, too. I had gotten the lightning bolt the previous June, and that wasn;t easy to douse. Something so part of your life, never is. Even when Yolanda told me Lynn would file 'harrassment' charges with our bosses if I tried to talk to her. I didn;t want to believe it, but the memory of Lynn's face in the halls, so different from the sweet smiles of Christmas, convinced me.
But the heart wants what it wants, and you can know things 'by heart.' I knew a Lynn that didn;t talk under her breath about people, said she'd trusted me completely (that hit home when I held my secret--ouch), and seemed to enjoy our times together. Even her aunt Joyce (who'd quit by then) said Lynn rarely had close girlfriends, but with me, it was so different.... So a part of me still thought I could reach Lynn, get her past the discomfort. A few Lifetime advisers told me to be careful, and gave guidelines on how to handle some situations. My counselors told me I should accept things as they were, not analyze so much...cause I would drive myself crazy. Still, I was preoccupied--when I wasn't guiding Josie through her first swimming lessons or doing a family outing, I was thinking of Lynn; and wishing the hours away til I'd see her again, like I did before. But now, it was more making sure she'd stay working there, and leaving the door open for reconnect. (Any surprise I failed 'logic' sections in math?)


Bi for now.


Teri