Catholic Dictionary

AMEN:  The only part of a prayer that everyone knows

BULLETIN:  1. Parish information, read only during the homily
       2. Catholic air conditioning    3. Your receipt for attending Mass

CHOIR:  A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation
       to lip-sync

HOLY WATER:  A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY

HYMN:  A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher
       than the congregation's range

RECESSIONAL HYMN:  The last song at Mass, often sung
       a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left

INCENSE:  Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:  An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
       with good basketball teams

JONAH:  The original "Jaws" story

JUSTICE:  When kids have kids of their own

KYRIE ELEISON:  The only Greek words that most Catholics can
       recognize besides gyros and baklava

MAGI:  The most famous trio to attend a baby shower

MANGER:  1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph
       wasn't covered by an HMO
               2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel
       has always been rough

PEW:  A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches

PROCESSION:  The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
       consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
       looking for seats

RECESSIONAL:  The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass
       - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot

RELICS:  People who have been going to Mass for so long,
       they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand

TEN COMMANDMENTS:  The most important Top Ten list
       not given by David Letterman

USHERS:  The only people in the Parish who don't know the
       seating capacity of a pew